It’s been awhile.

It’s been awhile. It’s been awhile since I have set my fingers to the keyboard and pressed publish. It’s been a long while. 10 plus years ago I felt a nudge from the Lord to start a blog. Initially my response was “What could I possibly share that someone else on the World Wide Web hasn’t already shared?”. The thing is, I was right. Many people have shared their stories, ideas, life hacks, experiences; but their stories, ideas, life hacks and experiences weren’t mine. Like you, I have walked my own unique path and through my own personal journey of mishaps, failures, victories; from an accumulation of the people I have met, the books I have read, the songs I have sung…God has taught me some things that I felt compelled to share with anyone in my tiny little world who wanted to hear. With that being said, 10 plus years ago I began such a journey; I noticed my life, I noticed other people’s lives, I noticed God working through all of it and I wrote it down. Each week for many years I plodded along sharing my life as a mother, as a wife, as someone who struggles with an autoimmune disorder, as someone who served in the church – more than that I just shared from the place of an imperfect and sometimes wandering daughter of a very patient, very kind, long-suffering, loving and faithful God. I wrote for my own personal blog as well as sharing guest posts for WayFm, My Faith Radio and Incourage. I wrote and wrote and wrote. This particular season of life for me was one where God gave me an abundance of opportunity to publicly share and speak into peoples lives in a multitude of ways. At this time in my life in addition to my blog, I was leading worship several times a week in a multi-site church, taking classes at my local church to grow as a leader, leading a Single Moms ministry and oh did I mention I was also raising 4 small children. Life was full. My plate was full. Abundant. I felt completely ill equipped – imposter syndrome is a real thing. However if I have learned anything over my 48 years it is this – we don’t obey God when we feel comfortable, we obey God when He calls us. Much of what I was doing during those years was uncomfortable. I am an introvert and yet much of the places and spaces the Lord was placing me in were in front of people (funny and yet not). I am really happy sitting on my couch, drinking coffee, reading poetry – alone. I am very content having friendship in my sweatpants, sharing audio messages rather than putting on real clothes and real in person vulnerability. I am really comfortable writing in my journal rather than allowing the world to see all of my grammatical errors and run on sentences. I am really comfortable playing piano for hours by myself and recording audio snippets on my phone rather than actually going through the recording process and releasing my heart. I am really comfortable not doing anything outside the 4 walls of my home but that was not how God wanted me to spend myself. I couldn’t ignore the Lord’s prompting, I have lived a life before where I ignored His ways and the result was not only empty but proved to be harmful. So, for many years I lived this abundant, full plate of sharing in many ways wherever the Lord sent me and grew into it. For many years I couldn’t keep up with the words that filled up my heart…until one day it just stopped. The well dried up. My words fell short. Perhaps I had run out of words or maybe it was just that life around me changed drastically in many ways and I could no longer put into words what I felt or could see any longer. I would sit and stare at my computer with a heart full of feelings but no words to articulate the magnitude of what I was experiencing. So what did I do? At first I grieved. I grieved the loss of what had been. I grieved the season I was leaving but then I began to embrace the season I was in. This was no longer a time for me to pour out. This was no longer a time for me to invite others into this space. This was no longer a time to share. This was a time for me and the Lord to sit together in all of the complicated things in my heart. This was a time to spend reading Gods word and pondering it in my heart – just Him and me. The Lord was in a way giving permission for me to be hidden, quiet, contemplating. I did not know how long this season of hiddenness would last. It was possible that the Lord would call me to quiet forever and I needed to embrace Him in the quiet if that is where I was to be. I love this quote by Carryl Houselander

“There are things that refuse to be violated by speed, that demand at least their proper time of growth; you can’t, for example, cut out the time you will leave an apple pie in the oven. If you do, you won’t have an apple pie. If you leave a thought, a chance word, a phrase of music in your mind, growing and cherished for it’s proper reason, you will have the wisdom or peace or strength that was hidden in that seed” 

These past 4 years have been a time of letting things take their proper time of growth. In hindsight I can see the tender mercy of God. The quietness of home, letting go of the bustling schedule I used to hold, sitting on my nest homeschooling my 4 children, learning… and also much unlearning. The consistent beauty of the daily practice of reading fantastical stories, observing beautiful art, internalizing delightful poetry, chewing on hard scripture passages, being convicted by the Holy Spirit’s movement every day has been exactly the sabbatical I always needed but never knew. When I initially felt the Lord nudge my heart to homeschool my children I assumed the sacrifice would be for their future…I had no idea that in the process of ordering their affections I too would be changed. Like everything else in my life I felt completely ill equipped for the task ahead of me and yet obedience and comfort are not usually great friends. And yet, the Lord has held my hand and taught me that it is truly He who is Rabbi. He is the teacher. How kind is the Lord to ask of me to step into something that is as great as watching flowers grow and simply being asked to give them water and place them in the sun. Here is where you see the fruit. Time, consistency, faithfulness, obedience, observance, repeat.

When I was a little girl I lived on a farm. Across the field from our humble property was my grandfather’s property. In the summer time I would cross the field daily to visit my Papa in the garden. Insert the theme song to Little House on the Prairie – think Laura running in the field (that was me). Every day my Papa was in the same place. He had a large garden full of green beans, corn, carrots, beets, zucchini and various other vegetables. With chew in his lip, a spit can in one hand and a water hose in the other, he would sit for hours (and I am not exaggerating) watering his garden, pulling weeds, raking and watching. He was patient. The harvest was bountiful every year; so much so that a canning house was built, and year after year my mom and grandmother would preserve the abundance. This abundance of growth didn’t happen the day the seeds were planted…they took time.

“We know that an integer is a whole number; and a man of integrity is a whole man, complete and sound. Like Rome itself, such a man is not built in a day” – Charlotte Mason

“How is it possible to live like a machine and bear fruit like a tree” – Doug Wilson – Angels in the Architecture

Time is the distance between planting and blooming. I have seen this these past several years. I have seen it in my children and I have seen it in myself. Are we there yet? No. Has it been worth taking the time to quietly water, pull weeds, rake dirt and be watchful and attentive to all that the Lord is doing. A thousand times – yes. Waiting on the Lord is worth it.

10 years ago I was in my late 30s raising very small children, learning all of the things one learns when you must learn the art of selflessness. Sleepless nights, unfinished dishes, illness, answered prayers, unanswered prayers, swallowing pride, admitting wrong, standing in awe…all of it. I wrote about it and then the Lord said “Pause”. I paused. I paused long enough not just to listen but to internalize the things He wanted to show me these past several years. Some things I learned are just for me. Some things were just for our family. Some things I will share here. Here later…in my late 40’s (yes that is painful), the Lord has prompted me to share once again and I will share whatever He asks me to. My life is a steady stream of learning lessons of who I am as a child of God; whether it be in relation to marriage, parenting, homeschooling, friendship, ministry or everything in between..

If I am learning anything these days it is this – if you try to pluck during the season in which you are to plant, if you try to build in a season you are meant to tear down you will be continually frustrated with the outcome. The Lord is the master of the garden. The Lord determines the rain. The Lord gives the sunlight. The seed can only be what it is meant to be in the season that it is in. Lean into the son in the season you are in.

Gina Kemp

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Hi, I'm Gina Kemp, a hippy, happy, homeschooler. Thanks for visiting my blog!

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